Been feeling kind of bad lately. I keep doubting myself and my way of going about life. Am I really using my time in a way that’s helpful to me? I’ve been working a lot this week as well as working on videos for my Youtube channel and also managing my Depop account. And I’m also going to the gym more consistently again and eating better. So, yeah, I’m using my time well. But I still feel kinda sad.

Maybe I’m just feeling overwhelmed? Probably. I kind of put a lot of different responsibilities onto myself at the same time. I always think I can handle more than I actually can. I’m scared for when the school year starts because that another huge responsibility with PSA and LARCH.

This is a good thing though. To practice having multiple things that I need to care about and balance in my life. I mean, wasn’t this one of my goals for the summer? To become better at time management? I think I’m doing a pretty decent job. I don’t waste as much time on my phone or on my computer as I used to since I’m busy with editing videos, posting new items, and working/working out.

For the school year, I think the most important things I should focus on are LARCH and PSA. Probably gonna have to cut down the amount of videos I make to like one every two weeks or something. I’m also not gonna have as much money or time to thrift for pieces for depop. Maybe I should prepare for that by thrifting fall/winter pieces now? I really should sell what I have first.

I’m doing okay. I’m doing pretty good actually. I think this is why I’m doubting myself. “I’m doing okay for once, so something has to be wrong,” is probably what my head is saying to itself. Dumbass.

I woke up late as shit today, but I still went to the gym and stayed productive for the rest of the day. I fucked up my laundry though with this red scarf, so I had to go through this whole process of trying to get pink stains out of my clothes (still trying to). It ate away a lot of my time, so I wasn’t able to edit a much as I had wanted to.

Speaking of which, I wasn’t able to post a video last week unfortunately. I’m trying to stay consistent but I don’t film early enough to keep up with the schedule I’ve made for myself. Need to work on that. I did film two videos the last time I filmed so hopefully it pushes me to stay on track. I’m gonna try to edit some more tomorrow before I go to Colin’s.

I was also really sad this morning. I kept thinking negatively about myself and I kept crying. I feel fine now, but I was just really doubting myself heavily this morning for some reason. Maybe because I had woken up late and I hadn’t gone to the gym in a couple of days due to my IUD and Cedar Point. Cedar Point was hella fun too. I got to ride the dragster for the first time. Driving was shitty, but Colin kept me awake so we didn’t die <3.

I’ve been doing better at work. I haven’t fucked up heavy in the past couple of shifts so yay. I hope I get paid more.

Colin and I might possibly be going to Japan this spring break. I need to make hella dough before summer ends and save hella dough too if I want to go to Japan + move out next year. I need my depop to start popping soon.

I uploaded my second youtube video of this summer yesterday. I got a comment from this girl saying how she loved my fits. I checked out her channel and she made a video about tips on how to get more subscribers and I used her tips and I think it helped me get a few more subbies. I also commented on a lot of other youtube videos that had similar view counts as mine and it felt really good to give other compliments on their work.

My weight has been fluctuating a lot lately. I keep eating salty foods late at night and wake up with hella bloat and puffiness. I’m going to focus on not doing that anymore and just drinking tea or water instead of snacking at night. I also gained two pounds this week. There was a party in the beginning of the week at my house, so I ate a lot then. There was a lot of left over food too so I munched on that during the rest of the week which is probably why I gained weight. But this upcoming week I’m gonna get back on track.

I was hanging out with Colin and his friends the other night. We were playing quiplash. All of his friends were coming up with these really funny creative answers and I felt really inadequate, so I stopped playing in the middle of it. Then I started questioning my self and my personality and whether or not I was interesting enough or good enough or normal enough. Ya know, the usual anxious thoughts.After all his friends left and went to bed, we talked for awhile in his room. I realized that I think too much and do too little. So, I need to change that. I also need to stop complaining so much about trivial things. And stop comparing myself to other people.

I’m not good at multitasking. As much as I want to create good new habits, I know that I personally cannot stay consistent if I try to do too much at once. I’ve decided that habits involving my physical health and mental health are what I’m gonna focus on for a while until I feel like those habits are no longer just habits, but a way of life. 

To future Jo:

Stop thinking that there’s something wrong with you.

You’re perfectly fine as you are.

Focus on the most important things and forget about the rest (until you feel good about what you were focusing on).

Stay consistent and keep yourself accountable.

Nothing can be perfect, so don’t push for something impossible.

You have so much potential and drive, so just do the things you want to do. Don’t settle, but don’t be a dumbass.

Colin’s flight got cancelled yesterday. SO he’s flying back today instead and I get to see him tonight!! I’m so fucking excited; I missed him a lot. While he was gone, I didn’t feel like I missed him that much, but now that I’ve had to wait an extra day to see him and thinking about how much I want to kiss him again I’ve realize how much I missed him.

I’ve started actually thinking about my choreography for Banko. I’m excited to finally start bc I’ve been procrastinating this whole time. Since I’ve never choreographed before I felt kind of overwhelmed with trying to for a dance that I’ve never danced. But I’ve been watching some more videos and I’ve finally found some inspo.

I posted my youtube video last night. Tbh, I kind of lazily put it together just so I could have it be done. I also didn’t feel like putting in a lot of effort bc the video quality is kind of shit and I didn’t want to try hard to make it look good since it already visually just looks bad. I tried editing some videos from my phone and found that the video quality on my phone is a lot better so I’m just gonna use my phone next time. Need to buy an iPhone stand. As for depop, I think I’m gonna re-do my pictures bc I don’t really like the whole “selfie” look my feed has rn.

6/24/18

I went to my first modeling lesson today. It’s crazy how many things you have to think about when you’re walking. Chin up, shoulders back, belly tucked, waist forward, knees locked, then let them loose, then lock them again, etc. Don’t even get me started on pivoting lmao. Being a model is a lot harder than it looks. I already knew this from watching Americas Next Top Model, but actually trying to walk like a model is difficult. After the lessons, I went and picked up Eric to go thrifting with him. We picked up some bubble tea beforehand and talked for a bit. He’s cool, but the way he talks kind of bothers me. It just doesn’t sound genuine. And his laugh bothered me a lot lol. Like, the stereotypical fuck boi laugh but louder. We went thrifting and I got some stuff for depop and he bought gym clothes. Afterwards, we went to PF chengs for dinner bc his friend works there and he said he might be able to hook us up. And he did with a 50% discount. And Eric offered to pay and who am I with my broke ass self to decline that offer? I came home exhausted as fuck from socializing tho. Tbh, I don’t think I ever really enjoy the first time I hang out with someone bc of all the nerves and then you feel like you constantly have to be talking to them and it becomes tiring to the point that you just wanna go home lol. It’s not always like that for every person tho. It wasn’t like that for me and Colin, but that’s different than hanging out with someone you’re just trying to be friends with. I also filmed the rest of my thrift hail video when I came home. Just need to find an editing software to put the video together tomorrow. Colin comes back in 1 day and I can’t fucking wait. I’ve missed him.

Today was a good day. I got a lot of things done that I wanted to. Went to Walmart and bought some stuff, stole some stuff lol. I don’t usually steal things, but ya bitch is broke. I went to the dollar store and bought stuff I didn’t need and some storage stuff I did need. Went to the gym, then talked to my bby. I organized my room a little more and hung out with Drea. We went thrifting and I got some stuff to sell on depop. I’m thrifting with Eric this upcoming Sunday too. Hopefully he’s chill and we get along lol. He seems really nice in text. I hope he doesn’t try to come on to me… I don’t think he will. If he does, Imma shut that shit down lmao.

I think the whole making myself answer yes or no to my own questions in my head helped me get a lot done today. It also motivated me to get something done if I answered yes in my head. I’m going to keep this up.

I worked out for five days this week!!! Last week was shite bc I think I only worked out twice. I feel like my body got weaker, but I’m gonna push through it because I want to be comfortable in my body. Das v important to me. 

As for being present, I only really feel present when I’m meditating. I’m hoping that if I keep meditating and practicing grounding myself I’ll just create a habit of doing so in my day-to-day life. I really hope thats what happens.